Chapter 8 of Horney’s “Neurosis and Human Growth” is titled “Self-Expanding Solutions—Seeking Control.”
It details “self-expanding solutions (the tendency to seek control),” one of the three main solutions for dealing with neurotic basic anxiety (seeking control, seeking love, and withdrawing).
Furthermore, it identifies three typical types within this self-expanding type: narcissistic, perfectionistic, and arrogant-revengeful.
My personality is narcissistic, and when I first read this book, I was surprised that over 95% of Horney’s descriptions applied to me.
This is because my mental processes and structure, especially from high school to college, were like this.
Horney’s description is as follows:
“This type adores an idealized self, possessing an optimistic nature and cheerfulness, appearing confident, and picturing themselves as a saint, a soulmate, etc., but there is a handful of truth to this. Because they were outstanding and praised as a child.”
I think I developed into a narcissist type from my good grades and other achievements in school during my childhood.
“His optimism and eternal youth stem from that, and so does his captivating charm.” “He is charming, especially when new people come in. He must impress them, both himself and others, with the impression that he ‘loves’ people. He can be generous and flamboyant in showing his emotions and offering kindness and assistance—expecting to be praised, or in return for devotion. He can be completely tolerant and does not expect others to be perfect. He can even tolerate jokes about himself if they highlight his lovable qualities.”
These descriptions perfectly describe me. I attended a prestigious high school, but despite being a poor student and being ridiculed by my classmates, I remained tolerant and optimistic.
“The ‘shoulds’ of this type of person are no less stringent than those of other forms of neurosis. However, they are characterized by their ability to deal with these ‘shoulds’ using a magic wand. Their ability to overlook flaws or turn them into strengths seems limitless. A serious observer would often consider them a shameless, or at least unreliable, person.”
This also perfectly described me. I had many ‘shoulds,’ such as “I should be liked by others,” but I could also completely change them depending on my mood, such as “I shouldn’t care about not being liked by others.” Furthermore, despite poor grades, I thought of it as a strength, believing I “should transcend the atmosphere of prioritizing exams and grades above all else.”
“When you become close to him, you inevitably realize that deep down he is detached from others… This process occurs in almost all interpersonal relationships, so he is often lonely.”
I, throughout my life, ever since developing social anxiety, have truly been lonely.
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