I enrolled in a regional university far from my family home, and for the first time in my life, I started living alone.
I rented an apartment with no private bath and a shared toilet, where only students from the same university lived.
I joined a sports club, and just like in high school, my university studies took a backseat, and I started falling behind in classes.
Meanwhile, my symptoms of social anxiety worsened.
When I was in a good mood, I was fun and sociable, but when my symptoms flared up and I was feeling unwell, I couldn’t blend into social situations, I couldn’t keep up the awkward silences, and I became so preoccupied with the gazes of others and myself that going out and meeting people became painful.
Around this time, I began to wonder why these symptoms were happening to me and how I could cure them. I borrowed and devoured psychology and psychiatry books from the university and nearby libraries.
I also visited various bookstores, browsing the psychology and psychiatry sections.
I think I’ve known about this since high school, but I recognized my symptoms as social anxiety, nervousness, neurosis, and neurotic symptoms, and I even read books on Morita therapy that were available at the library.
I felt lonely, anxious, and inferior because I couldn’t build relationships or join groups of people, and I felt ashamed.
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