As I got older at university, my symptoms of social anxiety disorder, phobia of people, and fear of being stared at worsened.
Going out and engaging in social interactions became even more difficult.
I lost more and more confidence and became increasingly anxious.
In class, because I had repeatedly failed grades, my classmates were younger than me, and I couldn’t join their circle of friends. I felt ashamed and miserable of being isolated, with only my pride remaining high, but I couldn’t accept it and wanted to hide it.
I thought to myself, “Why do I have to feel so inferior? My inability to socialize is due to a bad family environment, such as my mother, and it’s something I can’t control with my willpower. Other people, society, should just accept my unsociability as it is.
“Dr. Shoma Morita, in “The Path to Self-Awareness and Enlightenment (Hakuyosha),” states the following:
“Morita: There are quite a lot of people who have erythrophobia (fear of blushing) or social phobia. The feelings that people with social phobia express, such as ‘I feel embarrassed in front of others’ or ‘I’m ashamed,’ are emotions that every human being has. Anyone who is completely unfazed in front of others is either a pervert, mentally retarded, or mentally ill. When you feel embarrassed, it’s normal to just be embarrassed, but people with social phobia think, based on their own logic, that ‘it’s a waste to be embarrassed’ or ‘it’s disadvantageous to be embarrassed.'”
“Similarly, for nervous people, confession and showing a willingness to make sacrifices will also lead to recovery. It doesn’t matter if it’s a lie, just try it. For example, social phobia is the attempt to hide the fact that you are shy or timid, so if you confess your shyness or timidity in front of everyone, you will no longer have social phobia.” “
“People who are neurotic or trapped by misguided mental discipline try to deny and suppress feelings of fear and shame, while simultaneously relentlessly pushing their desire to approach, making unnatural efforts to build courage. As a result, their mental functions become constricted and unbalanced.
Because they try to pretend they are not afraid, they put on a false bravado and become stubborn. Because they try to approach, they become completely oblivious to the inconvenience they cause the other person and become brazen.”
Looking back now, my actions were eerily similar to the negative examples of thinking and behavior that Dr. Morita cited. Unable to accept my current situation, I put on a false bravado, feigning aloofness out of pride, becoming a brazen and unnatural person.
To justify this from my perspective at the time, I was filled with anxiety, lacking what Morita called a “pure heart” (or, in Horney’s terms, the “true self”). Driven by what Horney called “neurotic pride,” I tried to hide my reality and problems as shame, feeling compelled to sacrifice my humanity in order to function in society.
Furthermore, I rarely confided my social anxiety and other issues to friends at university or elsewhere. I considered these things, including my counseling sessions, to be shameful weaknesses and had a strong complex about them, so I only spoke about them with friends very rarely.
I would like to quote below a relevant passage from Horney’s “Neurosis and Human Growth” (Academia Publishing).
From “Chapter 5: Self-Loathing and Self-Contempt”: “…He cannot accept himself as he is, so he simply cannot believe that others, knowing all his flaws, could accept him with kindness and goodwill. …”
From “Chapter 9: Self-Reducing Solutions”: “…Being alone is proof to him that he is unwanted and disliked, and therefore a shame he cannot talk about with anyone, which only intensifies his desire for companionship. Going to the movies alone, spending holidays alone, being alone on weekends when others are busy socializing is a disgrace. This is just one example of how much his self-confidence depends on being liked by others in some way. …”
Thus, I changed my behavior into that of an unsociable, brazen, monstrous person. Inwardly, I felt, “I have no choice but to walk the path of solitude.” Looking back now, I was romanticizing things to suit my own convenience, like saying, “I don’t pander to society.”
Even when I ran into acquaintances from university on the street, I was too nervous to greet them, so I just walked past, which annoyed them, and we eventually drifted apart.
Horney states that neurotic symptoms are usually not static, but progress and change. This makes sense to me, considering the changes I experienced during my university years, and the changes in my mother’s condition and symptoms over the years and with age.
“From Chapter 14, ‘The Path of Psychoanalytic Therapy,’ of ‘Neurosis and Human Development’: …Neurosis can cause sudden disturbances, or sometimes remain quite static, but its true nature is neither. Neurosis progresses with its own momentum, gradually encroaching on broad areas of personality with its own relentless logic, and it is also a process that generates conflict and a desire to resolve that conflict. Moreover, the solutions that individuals find are unnatural, so conflict arises again, and for that, yet another new solution—a solution that allows for some degree of smooth coexistence—is needed. This is a process that increasingly distances a person from their true self, thereby jeopardizing their human development.” To avoid falling into the mistaken optimism that neuroses can be easily cured in a short period of time, we must clarify the seriousness of this process. In fact, the word “cure” is only appropriate when considering the alleviation of symptoms such as phobias or insomnia, and such alleviation can, as is well known, be achieved in various ways. However, we cannot “cure” the erroneous development that a person has experienced. We can only help that person gradually overcome their disorder and move in a constructive direction. …”
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