Despite poor academic performance and suffering from social anxiety disorder, I somehow managed to graduate from university and secured a job at a local manufacturer. An alumnus of my university’s sports club worked at a manufacturer related to my major, and he invited me to work there. However, having already shifted my behavior towards avoiding social connections, I disliked the idea of working for a company run by acquaintances like alumni, and therefore chose a different manufacturer. The manufacturer I joined, while in a similar industry, was considered inferior, offering lower pay and benefits. The alumni from my sports club called me a fool, but I knew that accepting a job through an alumnus would have put me under constant pressure to maintain relationships with the club and its members. I had neither the confidence nor the desire to maintain such relationships, and I wanted to live a new, unsociable life in an organization where I knew no one.
I think it was probably after graduation, before starting work, when I was visiting my parents’ home, that I wanted to receive inpatient treatment at Dr. Tomonori Suzuki’s clinic. Since the middle of my university days, I had been familiar with Dr. Suzuki’s writings, and I believed that his methods offered the best chance of improving my symptoms—that it was my only option. I wanted to visit Dr. Suzuki’s clinic near Nakano Station in Tokyo for treatment. However, due to my shyness and social avoidance, which are characteristic of social anxiety disorder, I hesitated. Furthermore, I was worried about the possibility of hospitalization for several tens of days, as I had never discussed my mental health issues with my parents.
I also felt hesitant and embarrassed about visiting a psychiatrist and being hospitalized. At that time, I believe there was more societal prejudice and understanding towards psychiatry and mental health issues than there is now. In my family, my mother had mental and behavioral problems, but these were never openly discussed. It was taboo to mention my mother’s mental illness; she acted as if she had no such problems, and would become hysterical and strongly reject the topic if it came up. My father was completely unable to lead my mother, and in later years, he became her protector, further concealing her problems. Therefore, I couldn’t bring myself to go to see Dr. Suzuki, and I remember that once or twice, even though I actually went to Nakano Station, I couldn’t muster the courage to visit the clinic and ended up going home. However, one day, I made up my mind, went out, visited the clinic, and was able to see a doctor. I think I just walked in without making a reservation by phone or anything. In the waiting room, the woman at the reception desk told me to fill out a paper application form with my information, which I did. At that time, the woman gave me some rather harsh instructions on how to fill out the form, which surprised me a little, but at the same time, I realized that this was a type of “input” that Dr. Suzuki had mentioned in his writings.
I think he gives patients various instructions to make them focus on tasks and other activities rather than their mental symptoms, so that they forget their symptoms and immerse themselves in those activities. After that, I think I had a 20-minute interview with Dr. Suzuki. At the time, he was already quite elderly, and I got the impression that he was a kind old man. I talked about my symptoms and mentioned that I had participated in a “Life Discovery” group. When asked what we did there, I replied, “We talk about various things, and then sometimes we drink together.” I remember being told something like, “Drinking alcohol won’t cure neurosis.” I explained that in the Morita therapy self-help group “Life Discovery,” which I had participated in, it was common for members to go to izakayas (Japanese pubs) after meetings to socialize. At the end of the interview, I was given permission for hospitalization, received a document detailing the costs, and went home. I think the hospitalization cost was around 200,000 yen for about 20 days.
Ultimately, due to my shyness, concerns about social stigma regarding psychiatric hospitalization, and financial reasons, I didn’t apply for hospitalization. Looking back now, I think that if I had been hospitalized, I could have received guidance, had a memorable experience, and perhaps lived a better life. I regret my lack of courage and wish I had experienced hospitalization and guidance.
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