As a result, I fell behind academically at university, had to repeat a year (I was still relying on my parents for financial support), and became increasingly isolated.
One evening, while lying alone in my apartment (I might have been in bed), I felt an overwhelming surge of anxiety and loneliness.
Soon, the anxiety became more intense than anything I had ever experienced before, and I felt as if my mind was falling apart.
At that moment, I was terrified that my mind was falling apart, and that I was developing what was then called schizophrenia (now known as psychosomatic disorder).
Fortunately, the anxiety symptoms and my mental state did not worsen and subsided.
When the symptoms subsided, I felt a sense of relief, but at the same time, a very strong anger arose within me.
The anger was: “Why do I have to suffer so miserably and terribly for so many years?! Why do I have to endure such painful and difficult symptoms and feelings for so many years?!”
I remember thinking, “If this is God’s doing, I’ll never forgive God, I’ll beat him up!”
Now, I’m at an age where I’m considered a senior citizen, and recently I’ve been feeling anxious about the future and lonely. While not as intense as back then, I often experience overwhelming anxiety.
Resolving what Horney calls “basic anxiety” (the anxiety children experience due to a poor mental environment in childhood) is not easy for me, even as I get older.
Excerpt from Karen Horney’s *Neurosis and Human Development*, Chapter 1, *The Pursuit of Glory*:
“When children grow up under various disadvantaged conditions, they may not be able to develop according to their own needs and potential. There are so many such adverse conditions that it is impossible to list them all here, but in short, it means that the people around the child become so preoccupied with their own neurosis that they are unable to love the child or see the child as an individual. The attitudes such people take towards the child are determined by their own neurotic needs and reactions. Simply put, their attitudes are controlling, overprotective, intimidating, irritable, overly strict, overly indulgent, moody, biased, hypocritical, indifferent, etc. It is not just one factor that negatively affects a child’s development, but always the structure of the entire set of factors.
As one result, children raised in such environments are unable to develop a sense of belonging, that is, a feeling of “we,” and instead develop a deep sense of insecurity and vague anxiety.” This is what I call basic anxiety. It’s the feeling of being isolated and powerless in a world that seems to harbor hostility towards me.”
That night in the latter half of my university years was an unforgettable experience that made me terrified I would go insane.
God, please don’t let me experience anxiety of the same level or greater for the rest of my life.
Please calm my anxiety and allow me to overcome it.
Please calm our anxiety so that those who suffer from anxiety disorders can overcome it.
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